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i'm dying...

Posted by SileNt-Sam - September 12th, 2014


Well ... i really don't know where to start from ... and yeah you're probably saying its just another one of my depression periods and that's true... but this time is different .. i never thought i'd say this but i feel so weak .. its like the 100th time i get depressed this year but this time is different .. its bigger than just depression this time .. way bigger .. its digging deep in my heart and feels like something is eating the core of my soul .. i feel so lost .. so i went to a priest seeking his help and bless .. and honestly i'm not sure if he helped me or actually made it worse on me .. but truth be told he opened my eyes on things i didn't know... don't know how or why but it Made me feel even more lost and hurt ... i know it sounds stupid to you but while i'm writing this i'm missing my grave more than anytime else ... that's why i feel weak .. i always laughed on people who suicide and about how weak they're .. but now i cant blame them .. i bet i feel much worse than what they used to feel ... i swear it feels like my whole life was a lie ... like what lived building all these years has just crashed and burned to ashes... i swear my head hurts like hell its about to blow ... all my dreams and fantasies were the base of my hell .. even my best friends were the ones who hurts me the most and they didn't even know.. its all my fault .. When i finally thought my life is perfect turned out it wasn't ever worse .. my whole life crashed in 3 seconds and that's the time toke me to understand the priests words and realize that my last hope just crashed... ugh and my head hurts like hell from all that stress and thinking ... i don't know why i'm even writing this it doesn't matter anymore ... the Sam you always knew is dead inside.. just another lost soul waiting for its judgment day .. i always been showing off about how tough and smart i am .. never thought it takes me seconds to watch my life crashing down .. so many things chanced this day .. i cant draw anymore because its a "sin" .. i cant be the true me because its a "sin" .. i cant be with my best friends because they're homosexuals or "sinners" like they said ... the only thing i can do and not a sin is staying alone ... the only things that been keeping me alive is now a sin ... what i'm living for then ? They say depression is temporary and soon you'll feel better ...but for me being depressed is the main life and being happy is the temporary satiation ... and that's seriously killing me inside .. never seen life this gray before .. no matter how many people i helped and people i made smile i never found anyone can do the same back to me.. anyways ..  i still got loads of things to say but okay i'll stop bitching about it .. i really need to sleep now .. and truly i don't wanna wake up afterward .. thanks for your support everyone , i greatly appreciate it .. it was nice meeting you all 


Comments (39)

Oh... holy mother of God...
Whatever you do don't kill yourse-
"Meeeh, fuck you I don't care."
Of course. I had a friend who wanted to suicide and I tried to stop him. He always said no.
Rest in Piece old man...
So, you have a depression? I can't help you, because you will ignore every single part of my support.
Hope you will get over your depression.

nah i won't suicide i'm not that stupid .. but i feel so lost .. i can't deny i wanna die but not suicide .. i'm not that weak

I have a gay friend and I know he's going to heaven, don't sweat it, just love conditionally!
Love, even if you might get hurt by it, love, but don't hold it too tightly, let it go where it will.
God needs people that love with their heart, don't disappoint Him by killing or hurting yourself or your feelings!

(sorry for late respond)
well that's what i tried to believe but that's not what most priests says .. anyways i'm not gonna hurt myself or do anything like that but i think i need some time alone to put my mind up and think about all that :\ hope what you're saying is right and that's what i always knew but lately i HAD to change that .. ugh anyways that one of my 99 problems now , i'll deal with the others and be back to this later .. thx man

Hear me, you're not obligated to nothing in this earth, you're not obligated to stop seeing or talking with your friends, no matter if they're homosexuals or not, this isn't a sin, be yourself isn't a sin, be depressed isn't a sin (if it was I would be the biggest sinner in this planet).
The best way to know the true (if this is what you need) is read the Bible, there you will know everything you need for sure, I admit I'm not someone that read all the days the Bible (all the time I try to read it I get sleepy) and no one too to point to someone, be about sins, problems, whatever it is about.
If you don't know, I always thought: "Why I live? Who would miss me if I disappear someday? What am I supposed to do in my whole life?" and much more questions that nobody in this earth can tell me, wanted several times to die or to kill myself, but never got courage to do it, else I would be taking something I don't own.
Don't feel so bad about sins, nobody is perfect man, I'm a big sinner and I admit I deserve the death because this, but Someone loved so much the world that gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life, and I'm sure you know you're important, not just to Him, but to all of us ;)
Peace man, and have a good day :)

(sorry for late respond)
you got a good point .. i try thinking about that to make me feel better sometimes :)
thx man

nah

too lazy to write something ? nah

No, no, no, brother! Artists get to draw whatever they like, BROTHER, I've been through this! Look beyond the wrong and see the right, People lie to us yes, but we always seek the truth and one day with turn their own lies against them, the days may get longer and longer, but we still stand together. I've been sensing somethings are going to happen, but I will pray our kind will be safe, NO NO NO. In my moral code I have it saying don't end your own life! Even with darkness there is light. no matter how small it comes, things have been ripping me apart, but no matter what happens we have to keep in control, I couldn't sleep for a few nights because all the pain I felt kept getting to me, Miroisk hates me, and I'd kill Miroisk if she would be standing if front of me in her lying, death defying form, I'd cause her the pain he made fester inside me, We have to do what we have to do, Good people don't go to heaven, Only FORGIVEN PEOPLE. HUMANS ARE IMPERFECT, I don't even stick to my own schedules, Sometimes a voice in my head wants me to quit, but I shake it off and continue, even though it comes back stronger, we become stronger, While typing this the insane part of me is basically saying that, "Quit, quit! quit!!! QUIT!!!!!!" BROTHER, PLEASE! I COULD CRY! Honestly, between you and Melindi, I hate to admit it, but I have a stronger connection with you, it's just a sense I had that I would have to be by your side, Brother, Your time is not now to go! There is so much more, I was asked for a prompt in class, what would I do in the last hour of MY LIFE. I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL, YET IT IS NOT TIME, Brother, we have to stick together, One brick alone is a piece, but pieces together create a building, and many buildings make a city, we may seem small, but to your friends, your so very important to us! Taka beat me down when I was trying to protect my friends from harm, and to my friends, I was special, I was creative, strong, and kind, Becauase of our choices we are who we are, We wanted to be special, and we got what we wanted, MIROISK CAN'T GET ME, SHE'S JUST ME, WE CAN"T TURN BACK ON THE PAST, EXCEPT PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE, Please oh please, stay brother, I know this is serious because I KNOW YOU, but I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY, if I found you at my doorstep and my parents wouldn't let you in, I'd still help in my own ways. Please brother, we are strong...

oh sis sorry for making you worried .. don't worry i'd never hurt myself or anything like that .. i'm just feeling pretty empty after what that priest said to me .. ugh i knew i shouldn't ask him anyways .. but indeed .. believe it or not that's what keeps me going forward .. every time i get this feelings i remember what you said :)
it's been a week now since i wrote that but i swear it felt like yesterday .. it's like i've been sleeping the whole week and just woke up .. anyways i'm feeling a bit better now .. i had to spend some time alone and think about all that .. and i think the best way to reach the truth is what Elias said .. the holy book , it's been a wile since i read it .. that's the only way and that's what i'm gonna do hopefully .. but till that time don't worry about me i'll be fine :)
also i got finals soon i won't be online much longer the next couple weeks .. ugh that's the last thing i need .. but anyways hope you'll do great as well and we'll talk again soon :)

To me it sounds like the people telling you that something is a sin are the bad ones. I can't say that i'm an expert or that I have all the answers but if people are telling you not to hang with other people for no valid reason then they are wrong. Drawing especially because in the end art is different to everyone. one thing I think we can all agree on is that we all use it in some way to express ourselves.

Sorry for the long winded speech but I just don't want anyone else to think I'm not there for them.

(sorry for late respond)
indeed , that's what i think .. but they come up with quotes from the holy book that supports what they're saying so i can't talk back .. anyways .. thanks man , i'll see what i can do about it

I feel ya! </3
Please do not get depressed, artist can draw whatever they want, but sometimes, depression gets in their way (like my sister) and then they say "I'm too depressed to draw", like what happened to me when I recieved a poor grade in Music, it made me depressed. I'm no expert at telling which is good and which is bad, but a sin is bad. You cant stop. Please, hear these words of mine. Dont expect someone to say "QUIT IT, QUIT IT WITH THE ART!", just ignore them, and move on.

indeed .. and that's what i'm gonna do hopefully :)

Not sure if you'll be reading this my friend (funny I say that since we rarely speak :( ), but to isolate yourself from friends is a terrible thing. Much worse if it is the ones you loved. I should know since I kind of began to isolate myself from people during my final years of high school and it just made me more sad than anything to no longer be talking to anyone.

Being alone is the worst thing. Even the strongest of kitties need a friend or two to speak to. Without a friend in the world, the world feels like a very empty place to live. The priest may have said a lot you did are "sins." But you know what? You're a teen, you should be enjoying life, love, drawing, doing what makes you feel happy; not living sad and alone because someone higher up in your religion said what you enjoy in life is a "sin."

I kind of stopped being religious years ago because they had a "I'm better than everyone else because I have better standards THAN ANYONE ELSE" and I grew tired of it. I'm very loosely affiliated with that religion anymore. Even having to follow such strict standards in that religion makes you feel that miserable and alone, then stop caring. Just enjoy life.

Depression is a bitch, it can suck the soul out of you. Should try to stick around positive people and even if it does not always makes you feel better, try to at least make some effort to be happy. Don't let the depression defeat you, you defeat the depression and earn your happiness as it goes.

Point is, you're never truly alone, you always have friends to talk and vent to. I'm not a therapist but I will listen. Hugs.

(sorry for late respond)
all what you said is right expect the religious part .. well yeah i guess that's what i should do .. thx :)

Your're just a Teenager. If you read about teens, you will know that what your're feeling is normal. I felt (long time ago) that I wanted to be murdered. That time has passed and I have been trying to fix my life, and it turned for the best. Also, I you want to have a good time (to make you feel better :D) just have Hangover. Smoke it off and drink some beer. Do it with friends. That's what I do atleast every friday :D.

sounds like fun ^^
but that's a part of the problem .. i traveled to study in another country and i miss my friends :(
i made many friends here but they're not as cool as the old ones .. ugh lucky you hehe

Depression is a bitch,but you really must not allow it to defeat you.
I had similar feelings in the 8th grade,really every fucking day was all the same and i had nothing to be happy about anymore.But that's something common for teenagers.
Now the ''sin'' thing.......
I had no such problems back then,but to be honest you should really ignore them.I wasn't really caring about sins,everybody does sins,i had other things t care aboit.
And what's the problem if have gay friends?
Trust me,the people who call the gays sinners are the most dumb and stupid in the whole fucking world.
So you should ignore them.
You're a teen!
Have fun,enjoy life,the teen years are the coolest ones in life,and if you can't enjoy em' now,you won't be able to get em' back.
Get a girlfirend,drink 59 cokes a day,play video games,enjoy your life man!
Life is short,live it while you can.

thx man :)

Also here's a quote that i remember seeing in a movie (with a guy who actually killed himself some weeks ago):
Suicide is a permanent solution for temporar problems.

indeed .. i'm not up to that thing anyways

holy shit man, I hope you'll feel better! Just remember all of the awesome things you have and ARE, like you said, how tough and smart you are. just stay strong, it's just a time in your life and one day you'll look back at it and laugh! :D

thx man i hope so c:

Hopefully when you wake up you'll feel better.. sleep can really turn things around.
Your friends aren't sinners, your drawings aren't sins.. alot of people love your work and I'm pretty sure that your fans sent you messages saying so. And being the real you is definitely not a sin. You've helped so many people in your life! You're a strong guy Sam.. I know so (: Don't let this swallow you up. Now I know I'm terrible at cheering people up.. but I can't just act like I didn't see this.
Hopefully you'll gather your strength and overcome this gray (:

thx sweetie i will c:
ugh it was one hell of a week honestly but i'm feeling better now .. still got some stuff to deal with tho , anyways .. hope i didn't make you worried .. can't wait to see you again ^^

Melindi is right.
From my point of view everything was alright until you went to those priests.
I mean,are your drawings or homosexual friends hurting God in any way???
It's your choice,if you like to draw what you draw,and if you like hanging out with those guys,do it!
You can't stop doing what you like because some priests told you so.
If you can't do what you like anymore because of those priests,than stop listening to them.
I know you for a long time,and you aren't a sinner.
You where one of the first friends i got when i joined NG.
You are a good guy.
Nobody lives forever,enjoy your life! :D

thx my friend :D i will ^^

I don't understand why drawing is a sin. You should go back to the priest and ask about that in more detail. Nothing is a sin except for envy, gluttony, greed, pride, sloth, lust, wrath. How the Hell does drawing relate to those?? Do not just get disappointed when you hear that something is bad, you must understand why it is bad and how to do it correctly - that's number one rule of learning.

Isolating yourself from gay friends is against Bible in case if they want to talk to you. You may isolate yourself from the sexual topic, so as to avoid the lust sin. However, you do not need to isolate yourself from whole people just to not talk with them about sexual topics. That's just ridiculous and an overkill solution for the problem. Explain that to the priest. Do not forget to mention that you must be kind to ALL people on earth, and that is one of the virtues which you will otherwise miss out on.

If drawing is your purpose in life, you need to explain to the priest that by claiming it to be sin, he's depriving you of your purpose and turning to depression and eventually suicide. The priest is obligated to give you a new, correct, sin-less purpose, and if he refuses, then he's slacking off with his job and you should complain about him to the other priests. He might change his mind about the entire "sin" problem swiftly when he hears threatening.

indeed man .. thanks for caring .. i'll see what i can do

do what the heart tells you not some dude who thinks he/she's the voice of god and you need to stay cuz you have friends ond here that care and worrie about you (sorry for my bad spelling)

thanks my friend :)

Dude you can see we all care for YOU! Look at our comments. Drawing isn't sin at all, and you've been so nice to us for years, I can't think of anyone nicer than you. And we totally respect that man. Just.... Be.... YOU!!! That's all. Lets just keep doing what we are doing. Being nice to others, contributing, and being awesome. I may be 20 years old now but I still have teen left in me!!!!

thanks man .. that's what i needed to hear :)

Eh,just fuck that feeling off man,ain't it time for some change? Like you said, dude, you're lost, and that's what we're here for you.I mean, if you're alone, why would you even be here? We're here for you, and that's what you SHOULD know.We might be thousands of miles apart from each other, but we're still a team, and as a team, we care for each other.

About the "sinner" thing, from my point of view, religion isn't always true. No, I'm not an atheist, but I live in a multi-cultural country, and that made me realize that there isn't always an answer for things,and sometimes there are some rules you have to break.Plus,in my opinion, the "lust" sin isn't really a sin. I mean, everyone is naked till the invention of clothes,so in one way or another, the things we call "porn" is pretty much a part of our usual lives.I'd rather say that your drawins are....primitive in a way,and that's where we all start from.(Not trying to offend anyone here.)And so, if you want to blame your headache and feelings of guilt, blame clothes,it's clearly their fault.

But the thing is, if you ever feel lost, you could find us, I'm pretty sure we're more than willing to give you imaginary hugs. <3

oh clothes ? lol finally found something to balme hehe
thx sweetie .. it's been a week now and thx to all your helps i feel a lot better :)

suicide is in no way weakness

it is in a way or another , no matter how dark it is you can't give up and suicide

IF U WERE KILLED TOMORROW, I WOULDNT GO 2 UR FUNERAL CUZ ID B N JAIL 4 KILLIN DA PERSON THAT KILLED U!
......__________________
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WE TRUE HOMIES
WE RIDE TOGETHER
WE DIE TOGETHER
send this GUN to everyone you care about including me if you care. C how many times you get this, if you get a 13 your A TRUE HOMIE

thx bro :)

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